PND

Some of you know about this, some of you don’t.  I only told a handful of people about my PND at the time, not just because I was slightly ashamed of it (so silly) but also because I was working through stuff in my own way and also because some people just don’t understand mental health.  I am a very private person and am very good at self-editing.  I only show people what I want to show them. Also I didn’t feel comfortable telling certain people because I knew I would not be able to deal with their reaction, I needed the right kind of support in my life at that point and didn’t need to be judged or to have to justify why I felt the way I did.

When I was told that there was a medical reason for feeling the way I did I felt kind of relieved and that it wasn’t my fault.  I was put on some antidepressants and was referred to specialist counselling which really helped.  The counselling made me realise that I had been under a huge amount of stress, my expectations of becoming a mother had been thrown into disarray, I had got into a habit of overthinking everything and worrying about things that hadn’t even happened.  I felt guilty about everything to do with Alfie’s condition and blamed myself for him having it which is ridiculous now because no one knows why it happened (more on that in another post).  I’ve also come to realise that feeling a certain level of guilty kind of comes with the territory of being a mum and I’m not alone in this!

In those first few months I found it really hard to be around other mums and babies, especially those with babies the same age as Alfie, I avoided those parent and child groups.  And the reason…I was jealous.  I was envious of those mothers who could just go out and not have to take a load of cream and bandages everywhere.  I was jealous of quick nappy changes, i was jealous of being able to pick out any clothes I wanted to for my child.   I feel so silly admitting to this and I feel selfish for saying it but I felt cheated!  I was so angry but I had no one to direct the anger towards, it was no-ones fault.  Why did our baby have to have this condition?  And I felt guilty for thinking this as well, some people can’t have children, lose children or have children with worse conditions.

I got help early with my depression and after 6 months, medication and counselling I felt like I had turned a corner. I felt better within myself, I felt able to cope with the world, I felt like I had come out of a foggy dream.  I came off the drugs and I felt like me again and I felt that I could face the world and be able to cope just that little bit more.

Having post-natal depression was a scary time, it was dark at times but I feel like I have come through it stronger and it has taught me to be kind to myself.

Just leaving this here just in case:
http://www.nhs.uk/conditions/Postnataldepression/Pages/Introduction.aspx